I have a very clear memory from when I was about 5 years old, sitting on my dad’s lap in his armchair. He was home from his day of work, flipping through the latest Playboy Magazine that had arrived. I recall him laughing at one of the cartoons and I remember being mesmerized and "turned on" by the shapeliness, the beauty and glamour of the bunnies, aware on some level that my dad was also mesmerized by them.
In that moment I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I marched myself into the kitchen where my mom and grandmother were preparing dinner and announced that I wanted to be a Playboy Bunny when I grew up.
What I remember is my grandmother howling with laughter (she was prone to that), but what I took away from it was some form of belief that it was absurd or silly or impossible. Nothing was actually said about it - no words delivered. But it doesn’t take words to form a limiting belief or judgement in your nervous system. Being laughed at, as most of you can attest, causes shame and embarrassment and when you’re a child (or an adult), that’s enough to create an emotional trauma in the system that sticks.
AND it was obvious that because the Playboy Magazines were thereafter kept hidden, the whole thing must be taboo slash “inappropriate”. The desire to be adored for my looks and shapeliness never left me. At an early age I decided I didn’t want to have children because it might change my shape. I became a ballerina and then a cheerleader - activities that leaned toward glamour, adoration and being on display.
Why am I baring myself like this? One reason is that I believe vulnerability breeds connection. But more importantly, I want to impress how innocently our belief system is formed with limits and judgements that are not aligned with our deepest desires.
I rode the edges of my desires with what was “acceptable and appropriate”. But beneath that and worst of all, I believed my desires were laughable.
It actually brings me to tears now, to think of allowing this to happen to a child. It will, of course, in some way, because our journeys are often about unraveling the bindings of our desires and realigning with them. This does not mean I plan to become a geriatric Playboy Bunny - that ship sailed ages ago - but it does mean that I acknowledge my desire to be adored for my looks and have a glamorous life.
Does this sound shallow or vain to you? Does it trigger you in some way? Take note of that. If it does, it may be that you are also harboring judgements that were innocently seeded. It may be that a part of you has a similar desire, but have buried it or have made it wrong.
I invite you to consider what your deepest deepest desires are (your Soul "turn ons") and the judgements that keep you from them. Because fulfilling your desires is living fully aligned with your Soul purpose.
If you’ve been feeling as if “purpose” or “truly fulfilled” has been elusive, it is still available and it’s never too late to return to that mission. You can start by getting back in touch with your desires. Use the tool I gave you recently, (here it is again).
I’m waiting with open arms to show you next steps!! Schedule a chat here.
I'm going to let what I just shared be the cool resource this week.....😉
New website and a "brand refresh" are due out in about 2 months. I'm sooo excited for this! Meanwhile, it's time to enjoy the summer we wait for all year - soak it up!!!!!!!
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Obviously, this newsletter is based on my opinions as well as my greatest hope for the evolution of humanity. Take it or leave it, as you wish.